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Wednesday, December 30, 2009

You Say You Want a Resolution...

Well, ya know...We all want to change our ways.

Okay I'm going to hell for that one.

As you might have guessed this post is about New Year Resolutions, or rather it's not. I'm not big on them to begin with and I do believe that like most humans, I've never actually stuck to one.
I suppose I could go with the usual; lose weight, stop smoking, save money...
I'm already losing weight on doctors orders and if I obsess over the last 25 lbs it simply won't come off. I'll likely make 200 more attempts to quit smoking but if I think about it I'll sabotage myself. And as for money, I'm not even going to pretend to be optimistic about my chances of paying off my debts.
Rather, I've decided to focus this year on the things that I can not change and why they don't bother me. Or at least why they shouldn't bother me. So let's get the nit-picking started!

1. My Crooked Teeth
As far as crooked teeth go, mine aren't that bad. I've got a pretty obvious snaggletooth on the left up there, and a couple of chipped and filed down canines. I've never actually put a lot of thought into it until a dentist commented on them a few years ago. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit offended, and I'd also be lying if I said that I didn't get a wee bit self conscious about my teeth after that. But have you ever seen anyone with artificially straight teeth? It's frightening! I'd rather have my goofy grin than look like a Geico caveman or that guy who used to sell motivational videos on infomercials.

2. My Schnozz
We will actually reference this picture for many of my flaws because despite them, I happen to think I look cute in it, so there! And just for the record, the not so ironic mustache that I'm rocking isn't on this list seeing as it is something that I can get rid of and do regularly. I've just been lazy and cold and channeling my inner artist.
Anyway, as you can see my nose takes up 90% of my undersized head (see flaw #3). Though it was enhanced by a few tumbles I took as a child, genetics were already working against me before I got that bump you see on the bridge. I admit that yes, I have obsessed over this in the past. I clearly remember one Thanksgiving day that my brother set up the video camera to record dinner and the whole family laughing when we replayed it because the angle of the camera had me in profile. But I've never considered the possibility of a nose job. I had two friends who have had them (one was necessary, she had horrible sinus problems and talked like she had a cold all the time, the other was a stupid, stupid insecurity issue that actually gave her nasal problems) and just seeing the bruises afterward scared the crap out of me.
I'll keep my schnozz, and delight in the fact that it only makes my Alan Rickman impressions that more believable.

#3. My Tiny, Tiny Head.
As a young child I was very skinny and long with a big ol' pumpkin sized noggin. I ambled about looking like a lollipop until I was about 10 or so then I grew into it. Then I just kept growing. By the time I reached adulthood I was nearly six feet tall, no longer thin, very broad shouldered, yet I still had the same head that I had when I was 5. Most people have a forehead, I have a three head. Maybe a two and a half head. What's more, my tiny facial features are smooshed up together right there in front. I'm the polar opposite of a Bratz doll, yet just as freakish and alien. But that's the cool part: I look like an alien.

#4 My Gray Hair
Okay, so there's only about 10 strands and yes, technically I could change that with a $5 bottle of Miss Clairol, but the can of worms that would open is not worth it.
From the ages of 12 to 30 I never saw my natural hair color. I've had every color of the rainbow on my head at one point or another and just about every rebellious haircut known to man, and many that I just made upon the fly (these usually involved alcohol and dull safety scissors). I decided enough was enough and I'd keep my original color for a while. Then one day I was looking in the mirror and saw a silver thread stuck to my hair. I tried to brush it away and it wouldn't move. I picked it from my hair and realized that it was attached. I actually got excited. I want gray hair, but only if it grows in nice, like a single white shock ala Lily Munster, or all white like an evil villain. If it grows in salt and pepper or steely gray I'm totally going old lady blue.

#5 I Am Blind As A Bat
You see those glasses up there on my head? That means that I totally could not see anything more than 6 inches from my face when I took that picture.
I do wear contacts, but since I got prescription sunglasses I've been lazy about wearing them during the week. I refuse to entertain the thought of Lasik until they find a way to do it without slicing into the eye while the patient is still conscious.
The upside: Objects wearing glasses may appear smarter than they are.

#6 I Am Not Naturally Photogenic

But this doesn't bother me in the least. Why? Because I have a digital camera and I can take 100 photos and simply delete the embarrassing ones before anyone else can see them. Yes, the photo above, which I am calling a "bad" photo of me because of my shiny huge pores and Prince cira Purple Rain 'stache, was the best of about 30 bad pictures. Do you think I'm going to share everything with the world? ;)

So a Happy New Year to all of you and may you love everything about yourselves no matter what. And please, PLEASE be careful out there if you are planning on partying. Be safe!


  1. You look lovely to me. And that's the most non-existent, amateur 'tasche i've ever seen. I was bullied quite a bit about my fluffiness growing up. Now when people comment on my downy loveliness I say 'Ah yes, well that' s becuase my Father is from Scotland, and my Mother is a Bear.'

    Happy New Year!

  2. You are far too kind, thank you.