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Wednesday, March 17, 2010

So If They Don't Go In The Ear, What DO They Do?

Admit it, you stick cotton swabs in your ears. I bet you even look at the swabs to see how much ear wax you pulled out. What? Only me? Well okay, but you do realize that despite the fact that the box clearly states that swabs are not to be stuck in the ear canal, most people buy them for this reason.
So if swabs are not for ears, what are they for? Let's look at the handy dandy pictograph from the back of my not-for-ear swabs:

Uh huh, I see. Detailing my tub. Like the little cardboard stick is going to hold up against lime deposits and god only knows what. No thanks, that's what the dollar store sells quick-erase sponges for. Seriously, those things are awesome. And if you are paying $3 a sponge for the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser then get your booty down to the Dollar Tree. You get two for a buck.
Wait, I'm not pitching products, I'm discussing swabs. What's next?
Cleaning the cookie crumbs from between the keys on the computer. Not bad, I can see doing that in a pinch, but really a can of air works a lot better, and you don't mash down the keys, inadvertently opening every help file and sending emails to your company's distribution list that say: gugsfgdhlfdhguyis....
Eye Makeup application. I've tried this, it doesn't work. Swabs will leave little Haley's Comets across your eyelid and you'll be blind from all the shadow that gets in your eye.
I'm going to say the next one is for applying antibiotics because the possibility that it's toothpaste or hemorrhoid cream bothers me. This one is okay, I do this as not to contaminate my antibiotics with cooties. Although, it's antibiotic, isn't it supposed to kill the cooties?
And finally...
What in the name of all things sugar coated is this? Either that's one huge swab or one tiny baby. In fact, I don't think that's a swab at all. I think this is what you call cross-promotion.
Let's take a closer look:

Ah ha! Mothers everywhere know that babies have wispy fly-away hair, but babies are far too young for Aquanet. By gently greasing your babies hair with a delicious chicken drumstick you not only get lie-flat hair, you get the added bonus of aroma therapy! Mmmm...chicken baby head!

*please note that I don't really eat chicken...or babies.


  1. LOL!!! I can never find the "cotton swabs" at my CVS because they are inconveniently located in the baby aisle near the floor. I actually use them to clean out my dog's ears too, and his wax buildup is much worse than mine...not that I look...

  2. I thought they were using the swab to paint "hair" on a tiny, bald baby.

  3. Ha. Yes! I recently had to use eardrops for a week after I narrowly missed puncturing my ear drum with one of those baby drumsticks.

  4. You are too funny, have you considered stand-up?

  5. Christina
    you have imagination and cleverosity

  6. I considered stand up, but I prefer sit down, it's easier on the legs ;)

    Cleverosity? I'm going to work that one into my daily conversations.